I Want To Be A Billionaire, So Friggin Bad

Posted: March 20, 2011 in Creative Writing

*Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this waste of time does not necessarily reflect that of my own.*

Who doesn’t? I’m pretty sure everybody has had a fantasy about being the richest son-of-a-bitch on the planet. We are only human after all, we’re all dreamers and we’re never satisfied with what we have. If you don’t aspire for better things, then you must be a forty something bum who lives in his parent’s basement and spends his days on an old couch, smoking pot and watching cartoons. (Awryt, High Five!) For the rest of us tax paying members of society (Value Added Tax Counts!) life is a frenetic struggle to add digits to our income. Admittedly we are all driven by reward. Yes, there are other more noble reasons like to find fulfillment and to follow passion etc., still it won’t hurt to get rich along the way. Not everyone gets so lucky. Reality bites- only a handful does, and out of that group only a select few get to live the sweet dreams. The iconic image to remind us all that life is unfair, the poster boy of Forbes and the mug we all want to pummel with a pie, is that of a nerdy spectacled Harvard dropout we’ve all come to know as Bill Gates. Love him or hate him, he is still “filthy-stinkin-rich!”  He makes more money in a day then Maria Ozawa will make after getting gangbanged by a hundred horses. The man wakes up every morning twenty million dollars richer. Imagine that. It makes you wonder, what the hell he does with all that money. Infamous as he is though, Mr. Gates opts to lead a very hush-hush personal life. What a tease! We are all left to assume and fill in the blanks, at the same time enjoy ourselves thinking of magnificent ways to spend a fortune we will never have. That must be the longest and most inventive excuse I ever made to hit the realm of make believe. Anyway, if I could be Bill Gates, I’d sell my stake at Microsoft and donate the proceeds to Nicaraguan orphans in a million years. Honestly, philanthropy is the last thing on my mind with $56 billion to squander. You see if I were outrageously rich, I’d also be outrageously ostentatious.

To begin with I’m going to need a crib, for that I have my eyes on the Burj Khalifa.                                                                            

The tallest man made structure ever built, rising 828 meters off the ground, 160 floors in all and reportedly costing $1.5 billion. You are definitely “The Man” with a penthouse suite high above the stratosphere, where you can look down on lesser mortals and gloat as they go about their daily chores like tiny worker ants.

The Windsor Castle,  originally built by  William the Conqueror in 1066, and now serves as a weekend home for the Queen of England. Perfect set-up for snuggling heiress von snooty.

For my wheels, though I’m really not particular with this, so long as i get to where I’m going, but for sheer effect i will adorn my garage with a Zero X dirt bike, an Infinity Essence (Concept car), a Land Rover Defender, an Aston Martin One-77, a Rolls Royce Phantom Coupe, The Moon Buggy, a Ford GT, a replica of Fred Flintstones car, a Lamborghini 6p670 Super Veloce, Optimus Prime and maybe an Audi R8 for errands.

Of course I’ll also need a yacht or two, not the little leisure boats you take out to fishing. I have something nastier in mind. The Tatoosh at 92 meters in length is the 33rd largest super yacht, built by germans at a whopping cost of $100 million.

And the Attessa IV formerly the Evergreen, initially created for a taiwanese shipping mogul  has been re- fitted recently into a plush ultra modern Poseidon of the sea.

I won’t be flying in a private jet you commonly see in every billionaires hangar. I mean come on, we’d look like a bunch of communists. My first choice would be an F22 Raptor, if i cant bribe the pentagon to sell me one, I’ll have to settle for a YF23, the strange looking stealth plane designed by Northrop/McDonnel Douglas that never reached production, There are only two of its kind. One is in a museum somewhere and the other, I have no idea where it is.

No self-respecting billionaire will make do with out a spare plane, so I will also get an F5 Tiger in clear stainless steel and with a modified external fuel tank. If i were having having bagels in France for breakfast how am i supposed to get to Tokyo for sushi is my jet fighter can’t fly trans-continental? hence the need to upgrade the compact f5’s fuel capacity. (It’s not obvious that I put serious thought into all this none-sense) To top it off I’ll pirate a Russian femme fatale  secret agent to pilot my planes. (beat that Tony Stark!)

Now that i have my fundamental needs in order it’s time to pick out a wife. What better way to do it then to have a reality show! complete with televised auditions, like in American Idol, and an unprecedented $1 billion pot. But in order to avoid a circus auditions will be by invitation only. On my list are: Megan fox, Olga Kurylenko, Eva Green, Gisele Bundchen, Gabrielle Anwar,  Angel Locsin, Natalie Portman, Olivia Wilde, Cameron richardson, Ashley Greene (of twilight fame), Grace Park, Diane Kruger, Beyonce, Ane Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson and Malin Akerman.

With the sentiments of these beautiful women in mind, the show will aptly be called “make that 2 billion, you ugly mother fucker!”  hosted by Bob Barker. The premise is simple enough, contestants will be put under a series of tests to gauge their domestic skills such as making sandwiches, doing laundry, pole dancing and mud wrestling to name a few. The contestant with the highest score on the karaoke wins.

I’m a big sports guy, meaning I watch alot of espn. one way of compensating for my languid sex life is playing fantasy basketball. For those of you who dont know what that is, Fantasybasketball is something you can google.

(to be continued…)

  1. Julian Javier says:

    nyahahaha please post the link to this on our guild’s wall! damn, that much thought! hahaha

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